Online Dating: Booty Call or Bae?

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Online Dating: Where People Meet Without Having to Actually Meet

I feel a game developing. Titles for this blog post. I’d love/be afraid to see them. Anyway, it could be argued that a blog about sex, whose audience is young urban professionals, that does not include a post about online dating is 2 million percent irrelevant. It may also be argued that online dating is ubiquitous so need not be explicitly mentioned. Whichever argument you support, it’s my blog, and I just reentered the world of online dating. So. I’m doing it.

When I first dipped my toes in the tempest waters of online dating, I was quickly sucked away by some heavy undertow. One night I legitimately dropped my phone having been completely horrified by a particularly creepy sex solicitation involving a feet fettish. Yes sir, I do have very nice feet. No stranger, you may not do that to them. I retreated to the warm, sandy beach to catch my breath before building the courage to wade cautiously back into the water. After a few misinterpreted booty calls, I eventually learned to spot the signs of dangerous undertow. When you’ve been living in fear of dating and are wondering how you will ever break free from the baggage of your non-sexEd, online dating can be especially mystifying. There is no shame in that, and I offer a few online profiles that have proven questionable. My apologies to those searching through lady profiles. Please feel free to post your own list in the comments. 

1. He only messages after 12am. My mom was right. There is little good that lurks after midnight even in the city that never sleeps. At the very best, he’s one of those guys trying to make it on Wall Street and thinks a date is meeting up at the company cafeteria and has the erratic travel schedule of a college student backpacking across Europe. The occasional late night prowl is okay, but be weary of patterns, especially if you are a Hopeful Abstainer of the no-sex-with-strangers type.

2. He has a shirtless, headless shot as his first and often only profile pic. While intriguing, the abdomen shot has a clear message. Nuff said.

3. His About Me section is actually just a rant about his cruel and emotionally unavailable is ex. This man needs some time to heal. Do you really want to be the one to pull him out of the funk with your bodacious bod?

4. He generally doesn’t sound like a person you want to know. Being a compassionate social worker type, I gave one too many people the benefit of the doubt. Trust your gut ladies and gents; trust your gut.

5. He asks to move the conversation to text message way too soon. This is a recipe for late night sext requests, unsolicited penis pics or at the very least obnoxious barrages of emojis. Does this guy have a job??? Who has time for all of those emojis on a Monday morning? A gentleman will understand when you request exchanging personal information later.

These are a few of the lessons I have learned the hard way. I’ve always been a tactile learner so I understand if you have to make your own mistakes. Please don’t let me ruin your fun. But if you believe the word of a stranger, I offer you this list with great humility and the hope that your online dating life yields many fun dates and the relationship of your dreams.

Yours Truly,

A Hopeful Abstainer